The Train In Vain: Sharing Commuting Stories

People all over the northern hemisphere are thrilled that it's spring. After the winter we’ve had, some good weather is in order. I'm so happy to see leaves on the trees and hear birds singing. I could live without the ragweed mess and endless potholes, but it’s part and parcel of this time of year. I’ll take it all.

What else comes with spring? The end of school. Final exams are finishing up and college students are looking forward to some real world experience.

That means my train will be populated with 1) regular daily warriors, 2) tourists en route to
Broadway shows, and 3) interns. Interns by definition know nothing. They exist to contribute at a low level and to soak up the experience. For the commute, this means a lot of mistakes until they understand the rules.

I've always had a yen for teaching, so I'd like to provide a few guidelines for the young commuters.

What should I do when I run into someone I know? It is exciting to run into an old friend and
share experiences. I remember those days well. But what happens is this. OH MY GOD! HOW ARE YOU? HOW DO YOU LIKE BASKET WEAVING UNIVERSITY? DID YOU PLEDGE A SORORITY? OMG, I LOVE BOURBON COLLEGE! WHERE ARE YOU GOING OUT THURSDAY NIGHT? OMG, WE SHOULD TOTALLY GET TOGETHER!

On and on it goes. I enjoy listening to the enthusiasm of college-age kids. But the volume! The duration! Turn it down and keep it succinct. Here’s how the conversation should go.

Ashley: Hi, Courtney it is nice to see you. Like, did you pledge Kappa Iota Delta (Keep It Down)? Did you know that 82.9% of my pledge class uses “like” excessively?

Courtney: Hi, OMG, awesome to see you too. School is awesome. I pledged Kappa Iota Beta (Keep it Brief). It’s awesome. Everything is awesome!

Ashley: Let’s take a selfie and send it to Whitney!

Courtney: I have a better idea. Let’s exchange phone numbers and speak at a later date!

That sounds like a fine idea. Way to go, Courtney. Ashley has much to learn.

At what volume should I speak on my phone? I promise you, there is no need to speak on your phone. Send a text.

Ok fine, if you MUST speak on your phone, go to the vestibule. Find a spot to have your conversation as far from me as possible. Jeez, I ask so little.

Should I keep my large bag in my lap? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Put it in the overhead rack. I'm telling you, nothing is going to happen to it. Your bag WANTS to go up there. It's uncomfortable in your lap. And the strap buckle is jabbing my side.

Is it ok if I enjoy a spirited beverage? Hey, you’re a college student. It’s your right. Now let me remind you that the intern's motto is to be prepared. I strongly suggest you keep a flask of Macallan 18 year scotch at the ready. You never know when you might run into me. I promise to write you an excellent job recommendation.

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Happy and safe commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

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