The Train In Vain: Sharing Commuting Stories

Exhibit A: Man in yellow safety vest directs traffic
while three managers supervise

Back in September 2014, it suddenly became difficult to get to the Hicksville parking facility during morning rush. Why? A man in a safety vest was directing traffic into the lot. Rather than improving traffic flow, he made things much worse.

I was incensed by such an egregious waste of tax dollars, and wrote this linked post in frustration.

I have updates to share. The man in the vest is still directing cars into the garage, the traffic is still unnecessarily awful, and it's dangerous.

Chuck E. Cheese
Source: Chuck E. Cheese

Exhibit A shows what I saw back in September. Three guys in ties watched the man in the vest intently. Today, those executives are no longer onsite. Presumably, they're now monitoring traffic patterns at other high volume traffic locations, like Chuck E. Cheese and The Yarn Barn.

I predict that a decision-maker will eventually realize that the traffic cop role is unnecessary. Unfortunately, I also predict that it will take a two-year, taxpayer-funded study to confirm this. Since he's going to be with us for a while, I've given the man in the yellow vest the name "Edgar Wrentilkoppe."

So, Edgar continues to direct traffic. I rarely use the facility anymore, but sometimes when I have additional time in the morning, I park there. Last week, my car was first in line coming from one direction while cars were entering from the other direction. If you look at Exhibit B, you'll see that I had a front row view of Edgar. To my amusement, or perhaps bemusement, he stood there, rotating his arm like a windmill, a gesture meant to signal the drivers coming from the other direction to proceed. As he was doing this, he was staring at his phone.

The man directing traffic was not paying attention to the traffic.

Exhibit B: Directing traffic while looking at phone

What would the guys in ties say about this? I'd ask them, but they're deep in a taxpayer-funded study about improving traffic patterns in the local cemetery.

That's not the end of the story. Edgar cleared a Candy Crush Saga level, and looked up to see the cars coming from my direction were backed up 8.29 miles. He then signaled to me, the first in line, to proceed.

Just at that moment, as I was about to make the left turn, a pedestrian made his way across the street, and I had to wait for him to cross. See Exhibit C. Edgar, in his highly attuned and aware state, looked at me and yelled, gesturing for me to move. With my windows closed, I could hear him. I opened my window and shouted, "do you see the pedestrian?" Edgar shouted back, "WE'VE GOT TO KEEP THE TRAFFIC MOVING!" Safety is Edgar's #2 priority. His number #1 priority is matching three lemon drops without setting off bombs.

Exhibit C: Man crossing in front of me, singing a happy song

Edgar seems stressed out by his job, so I'm not going to berate him any further. If the guy in the tie is reading this, please send Edgar for traffic directing instruction.

As a peace offering, I'll buy Edgar a few Candy Crush Saga lives to make things right. He'd better use them carefully though, because if I get an invitation to play that stupid game I'm gonna run him over next time I park there.

**

Happy and safe commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

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