Thursday, August 20, 2015

Please Don't Feed The Animals

This morning, a woman was handing out bananas as a promotion for some business on the Hicksville train platform. As I walked down the platform to the spot where I like to board, I noticed that most everyone was holding a banana. I wish I'd taken a photo. Highly refined apes on their way to work, but still apes.

Friday, August 14, 2015

Three Numbered Paddles

Have you sat on the train near a phone abuser? If you're a regular TTIV reader or occasionally take the train you know it's an epidemic. If you're in the mood for peace and quiet as you wind down your day, it can be difficult if you are within earshot of some inconsiderate boob talking about his medical test results.

I can usually detect within 30 seconds whether a conversation will drag or end soon. This superpower of mine comes from spending a lot of time on the train and observing people. You get to know patterns. When I encounter phone abusers, I move seats if at all possible. 

But what about the peace-seekers who cannot easily read the signs? Do they have a right to know when these blowhards will finish their conversations? Of course they do.

Octavius and I spoke about this, and we came up with a solution. The answer is... three numbered paddles.

Sunday, August 09, 2015

Strike!

On my walk from the parking lot to the Hicksville train station last week, I came upon an unusual sight. In high-traffic areas, things are often left behind. You might see discarded food wrappings, coffee cups, the occasional glove without a partner, or a hat.

And then sometimes you find a bowling ball.

Wednesday, August 05, 2015

Guest Story: The Golden Slipper

Hey #TTIV readers, I'm pleased to publish another guest offering. This one's from "The Duke of Albany," who recently shared a story about Edgar, the angry traffic cop who attempts to direct traffic into the Hicksville parking facility. 

 The Duke's latest tale is about a shoe and the gap. The Duke even provided his own crude drawing.

To be clear, we're NOT talking about the Gap that sells khakis. For those unfamiliar with train commuting, there is a gap between the train and the platform, and humans with the most primitive of brain functions can comprehend that they must step over this gap. In recent years, there have been a handful of people who have somehow managed to fall into the gap. If you were to open the skulls of these people, you'd likely find chop meat. 

 As a result, the rest of us commuters have to listen to endless recorded "Trainsmart" messages from helpful safety pundits such as Al Roker and Alec Baldwin. They remind us to step over the gap.

 That gap is what today's post is about. Enjoy.

Saturday, August 01, 2015

Mom Of The Year Candidate

From the "you can't make this up" files:

On subway platform. Large woman is leaving her little girl with another woman and walks away. Child cries. Mother turns around, screams "CHILL THE F OUT!" and continues walking. 

The little girl drew poorly in the genetics sweepstakes. I hope she will be ok.

Thursday, July 30, 2015