To refresh your memory on the first three quarters, we had:
Month
|
Character
|
January
|
Six Pack Guy
|
February
|
End It All Guy
|
March
|
Footloose and Fancy Free Gal
|
April
|
Medical Emergency Guy
|
May
|
Slither Around Everyone Waiting For Doors To Open Guy
|
June
|
Vicious Newspaper Consumption Guy
|
July
|
Sleeping Guy Without a Face
|
August
|
The Iron Oozer
|
September
|
Huge Suitcase Guy
|
You may remember that I lamented the fact that the train characters are male by an 8:1 margin, which is unacceptable in these politically correct times. Therefore, the fourth quarter consists of all women. That changes the men:women ratio for the year to 2:1. It feels good to be so inclusive.
Here we go. The interesting train ladies of the fourth quarter.
October - Makeup Cannot Be Rushed Woman
WAKE UP (wake up)
GRAB A BRUSH AND PUT A LITTLE MAKEUP
-- Chop Suey, System of a Down
Women put on makeup all the time. That’s not very interesting. Oftentimes, you’ll see a woman pull out the compact, add a little eyeliner, a little blush, a little whatever. Sometimes they use that eyelash curler thing, which frankly looks like a torture device. That thing seems dangerous to use when standing on solid ground, let alone on a moving train. I guess some ladies like to roll the dice.
But some women bring the entire makeup case on the train for a full makeup session. I’ve seen this several times. A woman will first start with the foundation (SPF 50, of course), followed by the blush, followed by the eyeliner, followed by the creepy eyelash curler, followed by the eyeshadow, followed by the who-knows-what.
On an express train, my ride is about 40-45 minutes. I’ve seen several “Makeup cannot be rushed ladies” take the entire train ride into Manhattan to perform this ritual. Less is more.
November - Vocal Cat Woman
Get back, honky cat
Living in the city ain't where it's at
It's like, trying to find gold in a silver mine
It's like, trying to drink whiskey, oh, from a bottle of wine
-- Elton John, Honky Cat
Living in the city ain't where it's at
It's like, trying to find gold in a silver mine
It's like, trying to drink whiskey, oh, from a bottle of wine
-- Elton John, Honky Cat
Sometimes you’ll see people travel with a pet carrier on the train. Hey, the cat’s gotta get home for Thanksgiving too, right? Right. How come I never see a man with a cat? It is always a woman with a cat. But back to the topic.
Cats in pet carriers are not happy. They protest, and their protests are vocal. Simple rule of thumb: When the cat is not happy, no one is happy. Find another car if you want peace.
December - 829 Holiday Gifts Lady
Did you ever see the faces
Of the children they get so excited
Waking up on Christmas morning
Hours before the winter sun’s ignited
-- The Who, “Christmas“
I love holiday time in the city. New York has such a special feeling in December. As long as I stay far, far away from anything that tourists like to visit, it really has such a great vibe.
What’s everyone doing in the city, besides clogging up the sidewalks? Shopping, of course! Driving into the city is a big mistake at this time of year, so lots of people take the train. And they buy many things. And those things have to get home. So, they get on the train. With their 829 bags. Whatever these gifts are, they’re far too special and breakable to go in the overhead rack. Besides, there are too many to fit up there. Therefore, 829 Holiday Gifts Lady sits in the two seater, next to me, with a stack of gifts in her lap that goes higher than my head. Her holiday gift to me is the sensation of commuting in a coffin.
So there you have it, folks! All twelve months of train characters. Now that I have the content, it’s time to get to work, if I want to have this calendar out in time for the holiday season. Let me know if you’d like to be a model for one of the months. If you want to be the makeup woman, you’ll have to bring your own cosmetics bag.
Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.
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